Birds ‘n’ Bees – Surly Style

So. Yeah. It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been busy. I have a life. You have a life. I thought we were both going along swimmingly. Well, that is until this week. Apparently some of you need me to explain the facts of life to you.

Yeah. Apparently I’m your Mrs. Garrett. Fuck. Whodathunk it would come to this?

We both know you’ve got the basics mastered. You’ve been gettin’ it on and whackin’ off for decades. You’ve got the callouses and offspring to prove it. What you’ve apparently misunderstood is how to take it to the next level. You’ve got no damn finesse, and your creative efforts are borderline pathological. There’s gettin’ your freak on and there’s FREAKY.

Now, of course, as I always say, I’m all about the live and let live. Within reason. REASON being the operative word here. There are certain people, creatures, and objects you shouldn’t be having sex with. Creepy guys who collect women and young boys in their basement – out. Guys who drive shag wagons – out. Foreign objects that may cut, perforate or be considered an object of impalement – out. Anything with a heartbeat that isn’t a human being – out. I thought these things were self-evident. Apparently they are not. Jesus. What is wrong with you people? Why can’t I leave you unsupervised for short periods of time?

Now personally I’m not one for the anal sex. I’ve got hemorrhoids, so the only thing you’re welcome to come near my anus with is Preparation H. But if it floats your boat, game on. However, let’s show a little discretion about what we’re shoving up there, shall we? List of items Surly recommends you DO NOT try: table legs (yes one idiot actually killed himself with one – fuckin’ genius); wine glasses – really, anything glass like not made of a Pyrex type of material – Waterford crystal is for wine you idiots; anything, other than some hot guy’s penis, that is actually ALIVE.

Yeah. No. Seriously. Some jackass in China decided to send an eel up his ass as part of his most recent jackoff festival. Who does that? Who thinks this is a good idea? Supposedly Asian women working in sex shows and smoke cigarettes with their twats also insert reptiles in their hoohas as part of their act and that’s where he got the idea. Holy Cheezits who comes up with this crap? Years ago, when I first stumbled on the internet I found an encyclopedia of human sexuality on some university’s alt.net servers and the minute I ran across an entry referring to Zoophilia with reptiles I logged off and never looked back.

So. To recap for those of you who are slow. If it cuts you and makes you bleed, is something you serve your parents food/drink from, or comes from a pet store, DO NOT masturbate with it. And do not accept rides home in vans with guys who have the whole Michael Bolton collection on CD.

Please don’t make me tell you again.