Skip to content

From The Realm Of Bad Judgment: Are You a Chaturbator? (NSFW)

June 30, 2013

You and I both know you shouldn’t be reading my blog at work. I don’t know why I always have to remind you of that. But now we can both rest assured that you’ve been warned that this post isn’t safe for the workplace. Moving on…

Everybody’s always askin’ me “Hey Surly, how do you find all that crazy shit you post on your blog and Facebook?”. The answer is simple. I don’t find it. It finds me. I rarely surf the internet looking for stuff on my own any more. Most of the web has that “been there, done that” kind of feel at this point. Spending close to 20 years on the fringes of the underbelly of the web can make one pretty blasé. But, every so often, something comes my way that makes me sit up, pay attention, and click the kind of links that would make you mere mortals curl up in a fetal position or at least pretend to while people are looking. I’m the person you send the links to articles that have left you stuttering “WTF????” to yourself and that you NEED to share with someone, but can’t think of anyone but me. You know I’ll appreciate it and that I won’t shun you. Not for this. Not this time.

One of my friends, who shall remain nameless for the sake of her eventual recruitment into the U.S. Cabinet as the Secretary of Slap-Some-Sense-Into-People, sent me this link yesterday. (We’ll all pause here for a moment while you click the link, gasp in horror, remember you’re at work and I warned you, close your browser, and then give into the urge to read-on. Ready, set, go!) First you’re all confused because it’s just porn. And then you realize it’s not just porn. It’s Indifferent Kitty Porn, and you’ve never seen anything like it in your life. But if that’s as far as you get on this page, you’re looking in the wrong place.

Sure, glancing at pictures of naked people with cats is a good time had by all. But the internet is first and foremost a teaching tool. Every link on the web is an opportunity to gain knowledge, to broaden our horizons, to expand our vocabularies. And kids, today’s lesson is brought to you by the word “chaturbate”.

cha-tur-bate
v. cha-tur-bat-ed, cha-tur-bat-in, cha-tur-bates
v.intr. To perform an act of chatting and masturbating simultaneously
From the Latin for “stupid ass things to film yourself doing for future generations to discover”

I’m currently filling out the forms for submitting new words into the English lexicon via the next iteration of the Oxford English Dictionary. This term needs to take its rightful place alongside bling-bling and heredito-syphilitic.

Now y’all know I’m all about the live and let live. And y’all know I’ve done a lot of things online that you are too chicken-shit to try. I’ve fully fessed up to talking dirty online back in the day where chat was web based and you had to wait 3 minutes for the other person to compose and post their reply to your lurid description of physically impossible sexual positions and carnal curiosities. There are naked photos of a fit 20 something me on the web somewhere I’m sure – although I can GUARANTEE there are no cats involved because I hate the little furry fuckers. But what there isn’t of me, floating around for your grandkids to download, is a video of me masturbating or fornicating for an audience. I have too good sense to know that’s nothing anyone, including me, my husband and your offspring’s offspring, wants to see. And friends, it’s nothing anyone wants to see you doing. There. I’ve said it. The reality is that anyone who wants to see your sex tape was really searching for low budget horror films.

For those of you who found the whole cat watching you have sex thing titillating, remember to check your local laws regarding bestiality and then find a hotline to call. If you’re on the fence about making that call take a moment to review this little tidbit from our friends in Ireland. Sex and animals do not mix.

Here kitty, kitty…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 1, 2013 2:33 am

    The internet was made for cats and porn.
    So this totally makes sense.

Trackbacks

  1. Slippery slope II |

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: