About Surly

1. I killed a cat. It wasn’t intentional, the headlights weren’t on. Nevertheless, Fluffy got flattened.

2. I can’t remember the name of every guy I ever slept with. Probably because most of them were not memorable. Those who were probably don’t remember my name.

3. I have faked it.

4. I’m afraid of your children because they will run the world when I am old and they are clearly not up to the task. Please teach them better manners, how to make change, how to use public transportation, and, for their own sakes, to not bother me.

5. In college I was voted “Most Likely To Talk About You Once You Leave The Room.” Sorry, I don’t remember what I said about you.

6. I first had phone sex when I was 13. If you have a daughter at Marlborough, ask her to check the Lower School pay phone and see if Horny Larry’s number is still scratched into it. And then please email it to me.

7. One summer at camp when I was 12, I met my first boyfriend, Harold, and a week later cheated on him with a cute older boy named Ned. I still have a scar on my forearm from the barbed wire when I ran from the counselors to avoid getting caught being out of my cabin at midnight.

8. I think pregnancy and childbirth are creepy and have been surgically fixed to prevent sharing in the experience. So, please do not use the words placenta, dilated or ducts while I am eating.

9. I gave Eric Davis his first black eye. It’s been 30 years and I think he’s still afraid of me.

10. I took a class on how to give a good blow job, you can consider me a trained professional.

11. When I was 13 I met JFK, Jr. at a studio party. He was the reigning Sexiest Man Alive at the time. I was in love. I kept his beer bottle in my bedroom for years. Every week the housekeeper threw it in the trash and I had to go retrieve it. Eventually she outwitted me and sadly the Smithsonian will not be getting this priceless donation from me.

12. In 9th grade I was a member of a party that raided the Malibu Sheriff’s station with water pistols. They were not amused.

13. I am, for no apparent reason, losing my eyebrows.

14. I do not believe in being politically correct and have no intention of living a sanitized life. If I say something you find offensive, get over it.

15. The train at Disneyland, The E.P. Ripley, is named after my great-great grandfather who was a president of the Santa Fe Railroad. His son was an oil man, and I can’t help but wonder how he would feel to know the train now runs on left-over french fry grease.

16. I am always ready to rumble. A few years back while enjoying a Gipsy Kings’ concert at the Greek Theater, I got fed up with the belligerent drunk sitting behind me and picked him up and threw him back a couple of rows. Needless to say he shut up.

17. My engagement ring came from Target. Nothing says lifetime commitment like Mystic Fire Topaz in 10K gold plate.

18. I didn’t realize the guy with the Uzi was a border guard when, in French, I sweet talked my way past his checkpoint and then across the border of Kenya and Tanzania with no passport and an ounce of weed hidden in the dashboard of my rental car.

19. I wish people who can’t find South Asia on a map would stop saying Namasté to me. Taking Hot Yoga doesn’t make you Hindu or spiritual, it makes you sweaty.

20. My first name is Vernette. It is a family name bestowed upon the first daughter of a first daughter since the early 1800’s. I am the 5th, and the last. I rarely use the name since Betsy informed me in 7th grade that is sounded like a brand of pubic hairspray.

21. I was a Pop Warner Cheerleader when I was 8, and I have vague recollections of having worn a stuffed bra under my uniform to at least one game.

22. I make excellent guacamole. Avocados, sea salt, fresh garlic, fresh salsa. The key is how much of each. I won’t tell you, but if you come for dinner, I will make you some.

23. My all-time favourite outfit was the one I wore on the last day of 6th grade. Pink satin shorts, white tank top with white satin trim, pink satin jacket, pink satin hat, pink ruffled anklet socks, and clear plastic wedgies. Admit it, you’re jealous.

24. In the 26 years I have had my driver’s license, I have never weighed what it says I do in the physical description, nor has my hair been my natural color.

25. I have yet to decide what I want to do when I grow up.