So, we all have those friends whose names pop into our heads and we wonder whatever happened to them. Most of the time we can Facebook stalk them and satisfy our curiosity. Sometimes we reach out and make contact. Other times we click away and read something stupid on Buzzfeed and move on with our lives. In recent years I’ve reconnected with a lot of my old childhood and college friends. We don’t spend a ton of time together, but we meet, we drink, we Facebook. I like old friends because they knew you before life was complicated and you were fully formed. They knew you when you were awkward and weird.
In college I had a roommate named Carmen. We met in college in Switzerland, went to Kenya on Spring Break one year, and later, back in the States, we were roommates in San Diego for a year. I liked Carmen a lot as I recall. Everyone did. She was bright in all the senses of the word. She was fun to be around. She was pretty, yet unassuming. We were good friends.
Unfortunately, as we would come to find out, we weren’t suited to be roomies. Some people are. Some people aren’t. I’ve learned over the years that I don’t like having a roommate- The Poor Bastard excluded. I’ve had some great roommates and I’ve had some horrible ones. (Some day I’ll tell you about the one who was dating a mortician.) Carmen and I just didn’t have the stuff to make it work, and close to the end of the school year we parted ways.
I don’t remember it being a particularly hostile break-up, but 25 years has a way of breaking down memories. I don’t know what we said to each other then. I know that we’ve not spoken since that time. Once, about 7 years ago I looked for her on Facebook, but didn’t find her. I found someone I thought might be her on Google, but with no photos, I couldn’t be sure. I moved on. Until last night. No idea why, but she crept into my mind and I went looking again thinking maybe I’d reach out if I found her. And find her I did. Or rather, I found her obituary.
So. Fuck. She’s dead. She died young. She died horribly. And along with her passing died any chance we might have met again as adults and remembered why we were friends. Now all I have left are some jaded memories and a couple of snapshots. At least that’s something.
Still as true today as it was 7 years ago.
It’s been a year now since Parrish passed away and those who knew and loved her experience their grief in unique ways. While I frequently go to pick up the phone and call her to get her take on the latest installment in our family saga only to realize she’s now got the divine 3rd person perspective; it is really when I log into Facebook and see the box entitled “People You May Know” that I truly miss her the most. Because, the problem is, that while I may know these people, I don’t have a clue who they are, and my one resource for this information, Parrish, forgot to leave me CliffsNotes.
It’s not that I don’t remember anyone or anything from high school. The problem is that I remember my fabulous 80’s wardrobe better than I remember the names and faces of my classmates. I remember old boyfriends…
View original post 627 more words
Since my coach took away the option to listen to music while we train for our Ironman, I’m stuck spending a lot of time alone with my own thoughts. As y’all can imagine, that’s a bad idea. I spend a lot of time thinking about all kinds of shit that would be better left buried in the relatively shallow depths of my psyche. Contrary to popular belief, I ain’t all that deep.
The last few weeks I’ve been obsessed with another girl on my team, Sara. She’s this nice, pretty girl that is always just ahead of me on every run work out we do. I literally chase her around Los Angeles on the weekends. Usually just as I almost catch up to her she jackrabbits off ahead of me. She’s the Road Runner to my Wile E. Coyote.
During our 14 mile run last weekend I decided that if they were to make a documentary of my quest to complete an Ironman, the working title would be “Chasing Sara… a Middle Aged Woman’s Quest to Catch Up With a Perky 20-Something Blonde With a Perfect Ass.”
During this week’s run, after cursing her with “Damn you Sara!” each time she passed me on the run course, I started doing a little mental compare and contrast activity to keep myself busy. I compared Sara’s inherent qualities to mine. Here’s a basic breakdown so you understand better my obsession with Sara.
Sara for her part is tolerant of my obsession in that way that all well-raised young people are tolerant of the elderly. She’s too well mannered to say “Surly, you’re one weird ass old woman. Leave me the fuck alone.” Which really, is what she should say. It’s true, I am. And I should. Only chasing Sara, and the fleeting hope that I might actually catch her, is what distracts me from the aches in my legs, stiffness in my shoulders, and the seemingly never ending stretch of asphalt under my shoes.
One thing that Sara and I do have in common, other than thinking I’m a freak, is that we’re members of the Dead Relatives Club. We’ve both lost people important to us to cancer. Doing something to help find a cure binds us, although if she didn’t know me from this experience, odds are her gut instincts would warn her to cross the street if she saw me approaching – and, again, she’d be right. I’m lucky she’s a good girl and a good sport, as chasing Sara is now an integral part of my making it to Cast Iron Bitch status.
So, you know, as I always say, I’m all about the live and let live. Judge not lest ye be judged, and all that shit. You know, unless you’re just begging for me to weigh in and judge you. Which, apparently, some of you are. Just when I thought I was gonna get a little time off too.
As we’ve established over the years, I’m usually on top of all the trends. In the know, as it were, on all the latest and greatest. It’s usually pretty hard for you all to slip one by me, but I’ll admit that this time, you blindsided me. Maybe it’s all this Ironman training I’ve been doing. I’ll admit, I’m tired and a little distracted. But still.
Last night I was laying in bed (never mind what I was wearing) and channel surfing when I landed on TLC‘s show Strange Sex. I like strange. I like sex. Seemed like a good call. I thought maybe I would be in for a little “Bronie” or foot fetish discussion. You know, strange, but in a colourful fun and yet expected way.
But alas, no. Instead I got something I had never heard of before. I know, shocking. It’s called Feederism. Basically it’s getting off by feeding another person. Now sure, I can hear you sayin’ “Well Surly, what’s wrong with that? I like to feed my man strawberries and whipped cream in bed. A little chocolate in the right place and, well you know…” Yeah, yeah. That’s not what we’re talking about. That’s fuckin’ amateur hour and as unusual as getting caught by your mother whacking off when you’re 13. No, this is on a whole other level. And fuck me, it ain’t sexy AT FUCKING ALL.
Basically this couple’s relationship consists of him feeding her copious quantities of food and then fondling her fat. Sure, nothing too weird there. I mean heck. Dave fondles my fat all the time. (Poor bastard doesn’t have any other choice if he wants to get any.) And more power to this guy for liking big women. Not a problem. Fat chicks deserve love and sex too. However, this couple goes, in the words of Madness, one step beyond. The goal for their relationship is that they want for her to become so fat, approx. 1000 lbs, that she is incapacitated and needs him to care for her completely. Sure, we’d all like to be waited on hand and foot. I’ve been trying to get Dave to do that for years. But tell me where the sexy is in having your partner clean the mold from between your rolls of fat? Come on, tell me where it is!
Like I said, I’m good with you getting your kink on. But can you do me a favour and leave the Big Mac’s out of it? I don’t like to think of what you might be doing with the fries.
PS. You owe me a huge thank you for not posting videos from YouTube of people being fed and having their fat fondled. You’d never eat ice cream again.
There comes a time in every relationship when you have to have THE TALK. That happened for Dave and I last night. There’s been something bubbling under the surface and I just needed to confront him about it. So I asked him point blank. “Have you looked at my anus lately? Do you feel like it’s the wrong colour? Are you ashamed that it’s not pink enough?” He gave me that look. You know the one. The one that says “My imaginary 22 year old mistress doesn’t ask me these kinds of things.” What he said was “You need to get off the internet.” And promptly went back to watching John Stewart. The poor bastard wants a way out but knows he’s trapped.
Ah. The utter shame and humiliation. It was hard enough to live with rosacea flareups and missing eyebrows. Those I can cover up. I put on makeup and have bangs. If you don’t look too closely you might confuse me with a 40 something whose body hasn’t turned on her. But a brown anus? That you can’t hide. Even if you’re not looking directly at my anus, you’ll suspect my secret shame.
Yet there is hope on the horizon. A cure. Apparently you can slap some Clorox* on your anus every night for a month and it will bleach away your shame. Afraid that like a bad home perm you’ll screw it up? Not to worry, you can go to the spa and request that they do it for you. That’s right. After you’ve asked the esthetician to wax your twat to resemble a 9 year old girl, just ask her spread your cheeks and bleach that brown right out of your ass. Sure. You might get burned. But what’s a few weeks of anal lesions in the pursuit of the perfect pink sphincter?
*If you’re enough of a fucktard to try this at my suggestion you’ll get exactly what you deserve.
Hope this letter finds you well and that I’m not too late in submitting my wish list for this holiday season. I know Christmas is only a few days away, but there are still a few shopping days left, and I’m really hoping that you and the Elves might be able to hook me up with a Vagi-Stool this holiday season.
I know, you’re probably wondering what the hell a Vagi-Stool is, and really, who could blame you. I didn’t know what one was until last week when I discovered that I’m way behind the times in terms of my feminine hygiene practices. Here I was thinking that if I washed and dried my twat on a regular basis we were good to go. Apparently, it seems, I’m supposed to be steam cleaning it on a regular basis. I checked the Bissell website and they don’t seem to have a vaginal steamer in their product line, which seems like a missed opportunity to me. So, since I can’t get one in the small appliance section of the Best Buy, it seems I have to improvise.
I’ve done some research into the subject and it seems that if I get one of these fancy stools and hunker down over a bowl of boiling water mixed with herbs I’ll be set to steam clean my lady bits in no time. Although, I’m a little confused about the herbs part. The stuff I read says I should be using basil, oregano, and rosemary. Which makes me think that afterwards my twat is going to smell like leftovers from an Italian meal. I talked to Dave about this as I wanted to get his take on what flavours he’d like my pussy to taste like – but he got a little weirded out when I suggested things like butterscotch pudding and peppermint candy. According to him “pussy should taste like pussy.” Who knows, he may come around after trying the recommended lasagna flavoring.
I understand if this letter arrives too late and you’ve already picked out a monogrammed enema kit or a bunch of cute Vajazzling designs for me for this year. Really, I totally get it. Maybe Dave can build me one of out of plywood and PVC, he’s a clever bastard some times.
My best to Mrs. Claus and the Elves.
Wishing your a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
But that’s all just anecdotal evidence of reasons why we should turn Florida to dust. Sure, not all Floridians are psychotic. Some of ’em are just old folks draining the Social Security coffers instead of taking off to live with the aliens. But my real problem with Florida doesn’t lie with its human population. No. It’s their fucking reptile population that clinches for me the notion that the only thing we can do with Florida is nuke the fucker.
Do you see that thing? Look at the size of that motherfucker. And he’s not a lone wolf. There are now upwards of 150,000 of these things slithering through Florida courtesy of the 80’s obsession with exotic pets. Apparently Spandex and cocaine weren’t enough diversions for the residents of Miami. They needed creepy reptiles too. Crockett and Tubbs would have been better suited fighting snake smugglers than Colombian drug lords.
When I moved to Orlando in the mid 80s there was a story on the news the first night I arrived about a snake coming up through the plumbing at a local residence. During the entire 7 months I lived there I did not once sit on the toilet seat for fear that something was going to slither up and bite my twat. There just isn’t enough vodka and Xanax on the planet for me to cope with something like that.
So, my plan is simple. Before Florida unleashes Jeb Bush on us and before these creepy crawlies reach the Northern borders of the state… before there’s SNAKENADO! let’s just dust the place and call it a day.
Keep an eye out on Facebook for my upcoming Nuke Florida petition. It’s gonna go viral. Like herpes.