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Real Housewives of BH – Recapping With A Grudge

October 14, 2010

If you’re surprised to find out that I can hold a grudge for over 30 years, you’ve not been paying attention. Tonight marks the return to television of the root of one of my childhood traumas. Kim Richards is making her comeback from child star in retirement to debutante in the Beverly Hills franchise of The Real Housewives. Normally I would blame my friend and fellow blogger, Stellaa, for making me watch this damn show; but sadly, this time the responsibility is all mine.

I’m a third generation Angelino, raised in Malibu, and who comes from a Hollywood family, so to speak. So, it takes a lot to surprise and offend me when it comes to excess and outlandish behaviour, Hollywood style. But I think I may be watching the scripted reality TV version of the proverbial straw. We’re not even through the opening credits and I think I may just throw up.
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7:01pm: We’re meeting Lisa VanderPump (snerk) who is feeding her pampered pooch, “Jiggy” (short for Gigolo) breakfast in bed on a silver platter. Oh, yeah. I’m already over her. She informs us that she lives in a “gated community in Beverly Hills,” and we are treated to a Homes and Land style video of her French chateau style property. Her closet, the size of a 3 bedroom home in the burbs is filled to the brim with gowns, shoes, and more accessories than a Claire’s store. She shouts over the balcony for her husband Ken, only to hear her own voice echo through the massive home.

7:03: We’re treated to a small insight into why most wealthy men cheat on their Botox and Collagen Queens. “My husband calls me a sex object. He says when he wants sex, I object. And I tell him Christmas and birthdays, and not my birthday. That’s another day off.” Ken thinks she’s funny.

7:05pm – We’re introduced to Cedric in the house gym. Cedric is defined as their “permanent houseguest.” Oh, so that’s what the fine folks in Beverly Hills are calling it nowadays. Cedric is pretty, buff, and I wanna ask if he’s bangin’ both of Ken and Lisa.

7:06pm – We’re directed across the street from Lisa and Ken’s place to their neighbour Adrienne Maloof’s home. Oh. This is going to be good. The Maloof family owns, amongst other things, the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. Before the doors of this Grecian Revival style home open up, I’m betting there’s gold furniture. Oh yeah, I’m not wrong.

7:06:30 – We’re treated to a litany of the Maloof family financial holdings. Yeah, whatever.

7:07pm – We’re informed that she’s married to a plastic surgeon. Oh, well that explains the lips, the tatas, and the immovable forehead. Oh they are talking politics. I know Stellaa’s listening carefully to this dialogue and trying hard to keep her dinner down.

7:08pm – Adrienne is showing off her made MMA skills by flipping a young boy over her shoulder and onto the floor. Yeah, mad skillz.

7:09pm – We’re briefly introduced to Taylor Armstrong, Adrienne’s friend. But before we can know more about her we have Camille Grammer thrust at us. And we get to watch her dance. She was a regular on Club MTV’s dance show back in the late 80’s. She’s got dance floor cred. Duly noted. The money comes from her marriage to Kelsey Grammer, which it appears is well on it’s way to being over if you believe the rumours.

7:10pm – Camille informs us that she’s got four nannies. Oh yeah, this will play well amongst the stay-at-home moms in the audience. “Just because someone hires nannies, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good mother” she says. Um, yeah. I’ll give you one nanny isn’t going to create a ton of therapy bills later in life. Four however?

7:11pm- Homes and Land Magazine style video tour of the 17 acre estate Camille lives on. Wow, I guess residuals from Cheers! really do pay well. Kelsey Grammer appears wearing Mr. Rogers’ cardigan and starts talking about how he is going to New York to work for a year. He’s got a role in La Cage Aux Folles. Yeah, that’s a euphemism for “we’re getting a divorce.”

Phew! Well deserved commercial break. I need a drink. I’m gonna crack open a box of wine, make yourself a snack and we’ll be right back.

7:15pm – And we’re back to Taylor, whose intro involves her spinning around in a pink dress and playing with her hair. We are then given a moment of deep insight into Taylor’s life. I’m talkin’ Jack Handy deep here folks. Ever since she was a little girl, she’s know that there was something really big for her in her life. Wow. She’s jealous of people who are happy living their middle class lives. Having enormous aspirations (and fake breasts) are a lot of pressure. Awww… bless her heart.

7:16pm – Oh yeah. Here we go. We’re in the plastic surgeon’s office (Adrienne’s husband) so that Taylor can get some “filler in her temples.” So he sticks a needle in her head and suddenly there’s a dime size lump on her temple filled with some toxin or another. WTF? This show should come with more warnings than my DirecTV’s “Iffy for 14+” label.

7:17pm- We’re informed that Taylor’s husband is a masculine man who will most likely leave her for a twenty year old if she doesn’t keep putting foreign substances into every nook and cranny of her face. Honey, I hate to tell you, but NO ONE is buying that you’re twenty with all that Botox and collagen. Trust me sister.

7:18pm – We meet Russell Armstrong who has the vague job description of venture capitalist. He asks his wife how her “little company” is doing. It seems beside sticking needles in her face to keep her man, she has a job as a “high level management consultant.” Again she repeats that odds are Russell is going to ditch her for someone younger. Anyone sense a spoiler alert for the season finale here?

7:19pm – Oh yeah! This is the debut mamma’s been waiting for. Now we get to meet Kim Richards. We’re immediately informed that she’s a single mother of 4. Her children are derived from two failed marriages and one long-term relationship. This while we enjoy watching the family pack boxes. I’m having an HGTV Property Virgins moment here I think.

7:20pm – We’re given the abbreviated version of her IMDB listing, with video clips added in. Oh yeah. She was on an episode of Chips where Ponch saves her before she jumps off a building. Kim informs us “I was quite famous” in a tone that almost pleads with us to believe her. I do. She blows us a kiss. We’re reminded that Kim is Paris Hilton’s aunt with a lame story about a lone paparazzi who recognized her when she was out with Paris one night.

7:22pm – We’re going real estate hunting with Kim and her sister Kyle and Monty the Realtor. Kyle takes it upon herself to inform us that Kim got screwed in her divorce and doesn’t have a lot of money, and shouldn’t really be
looking for a bigger house for herself and her family because money is tight. Nice. Kim retaliates with a nice “What if I want to have another baby?” comment. Kyle looks like she might bitch slap her. I’m lovin’ this.

More wine. We’ll be right back.

7:26pm – We’re having lunch with Lisa and her husband. It appears that Adrienne has invited her and Kyle to go to see the Sacramento Kings (another Maloof property) play. We’re informed that Kyle is Lisa’s “partner in crime” and fellow handbag fetishist. Which segues us nicely into officially meeting Kyle Richards.

7:28pm – We’re reminded that she also was a child actress. Her career was pretty much made up of trailing behind Kim. She played the younger version of Kim in the much beloved (by me) Escape to Witch Mountain and appeared in Little House in the Prairie, where Kim had a recurring role for a season. It appears that she has worked fairly steadily in bit parts through out the years, interspersing roles with having a children. I’ve watched a lot of TV over the years, and I’ve not noticed her. But then again, I don’t pay attention to all the extras.

7:30pm – We meet Kyle’s husband Maurico. He’s in real estate. This is Los Angeles. If you’re not “in the biz” then you’re in real estate. It’s a given. But just to make sure we understand, Kyle informs us that he’s in “high end real estate, crazy expensive home, on upwards to $100 plus million dollars.” Ok. We get it. Mauricio tells us that one of the issues that they have is “spending habits.” I’m guessing it’s her spending not his to which he is referring, ’cause she goes on to inform him that if he plays golf she’s going to do some major damage shopping. Gah. I’m waiting for a comment about “the little people”.

7:31pm – Limo chase scene. Wooooo. We’re going to a private FBO where the ladies are about to board a private jet. Kyle let’s us know that she’s invited Kim today so that she can me her friends. Nice, she’s taking even more pains to let us know that Kim is the poor girl in this platinum plated extravaganza. And while a small bitter vicious part of me takes pleasure in that, it’s really tacky when it’s your own sister.

7:32pm – Adrienne, always the hostess, has the girls raise a glass of champagne and make a toast to their little adventure. Awww… “Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.” And then Kyle, the class act, says “Here’s to hoping my boob doesn’t fall out.” Yes, here’s to hoping that.

7:33pm – Camille informs us “God this is going to sound so obnoxious, but Kelsey and I have been flying private for years. Until recently. Now we’re taking more commercial. So, you know, we try to be green.” Stellaa – is that you I hear wretching?

7:34pm – Kyle whips out her Zohar, which is would appear she never flies without. Oh. Crap. She’s one of those Hollywood women who followed Madonna to Kabbalah. There’s a red piece of yarn in her jewellery box somewhere. Kyle informs us that she flies private a lot, but she doesn’t enjoy it as much as other people do because she has a fear of flying. Okay we’re set up for her to have a tizzy fit mid-flight.

7:35pm – All the women are starting to wonder why they brought Kyle with them. “Oh my God!” We’re then introduced to some of Kyle’s hypochondria issues. “I thought I had a stroke. But it was just my false eyelashes that had made it look like one eye was smaller than the other.” Seriously.

7:36pm – We hear from Camille how she and Kelsey had their two children carried by a surrogate. Ooooohhhh… you should see the judgey, judgey looks on these women’s faces when it’s clear that she did that so that she didn’t have to mess up her figure. Nice.

7:41pm – Stretch Hummer from the jet to town. This must just be killing Camille’s green street cred. Now we’re in the Citizen Hotel where the ladies are having lunch and Kyle starts pissing Kim off by trying to pass her a phallic shaped squash to take home as a party favour. Woo hoo! We’re in high school. Awesome. Oh good. Now we’re talking in fake English accents.

7:43pm – We’re informed that Kelsey Grammer doesn’t wear underwear. More info than anyone needs.

7:45pm – We arrive at Arco Arena, and we meet one of the Maloof brothers. The girls make their way to their courtside seats and the girls all take photos with the players. Camille informs us that she always sits courtside. She’s what I like to call a “betterizer.” Whatever you’ve done, she’s done better. Oh, and we get to watch her dance with the Kings’ mascot.

7:47pm -We see Kim sitting off at the end of the row of seats looking put out and a bit aloof. All the women are talking about how she is reserved and hard to get to know. Fuck. I’m staring to feel sorry for her. This is something we have in common. I don’t do social, and it appears neither does she. Kim doesn’t like Taylor, and neither do I. Too bad her mother got in the way all those years ago, we probably would have gotten on like a house on fire as adults.

7:50pm – We’re back on the jet and heading home after the Kings lose to the Lakers.

7:54pm – Kyle and her husband arrive at Kim’s to help her move. Kyle tells us that Kim is co-dependent and that her mother asked her, on her death bed, to look out for Kim. Kyle tells us that Kim’s incapable of standing on her own. All of this is coming from the fact that Kim wants a house with enough bedrooms for all 4 of her kids to have their own room. It’s like a Mexican standoff in the cramped room filled with boxes and each women steels her jaw until her eyes bug out in anger. Kyle says “I don’t want you to feel like I’m being hard on your or mean to you.” To wit Kim responds, through clenched teeth, “Well, then don’t act like that.” Hot damn! I wanna see Kyle get slapped. Bickering and bitching ensues. Kyle storms out the door with “By the way a little thank you now and then wouldn’t hurt. Why don’t you just do it on your own.” And Kim is left crying amongst all of her clutter. Ah, the first tears of the season.

Okay. I’m in. I’m hooked. And I kinda hate them all… except Kim.

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