Did God Just Call Me Fat?

Just a word of warning before we get started here, I’m probably gonna be guilty of acts of heresy and blasphemy in this post. If you’re all sensitive and shit, you should probably go read my friend Sarah’s blog. She likes to write nice things.

Despite my years in Sunday school and my Episcopalian elementary school education, I’ve never been into that whole God and organized religion thing. If you are and it works for you kudos, but for me, not so much. A couple of weeks ago I went on a bit of a blog surfing bender. I found myself on a baking blog that is hosted on blogspot.com. While I was perusing the blog I noticed in the upper navigation a link that said “Next Blog”, and well, you know me, I couldn’t resist clicking it. This was the beginning of a 3 day tour through, what I think I finally understand to be “the blogosphere.” I made my way through dozens, if not hundreds of blogs during my tour. Some were abandoned and others were active. There were blogs on all kinds of subjects. The bulk of these blogs, though, appeared to be family oriented. Archives of family life, virtual scrapbooking of photos and antics of their children. To me, this was not really all that interesting. I’m sure there’s a target market for that kind of stuff, but I’m not it. However, what I did find fascinating was the number of them who in either the header design, blog description, or blogger’s bio were quoting scripture or praising Him. There were even blogs with daily scripture widgets on them. I don’t know why, but I found it really surprising that there’s so much Jesus on the internet. Lookit! I can still be amazed by the little things. Who knew?

I was equally surprised a few weeks back when I was channel surfing on DirecTV as to how much Jesus there is on TV. I mean sure we’ve always been peppered with some Christian programming. Remember Davey and Goliath when we were kids? Then there was Highway to Heaven, Touched by an Angel and 7th Heaven. But now with the advent digital television and the availability of 100s of channels there’s what I like to call Jesusvision available 24/7.

Now I’ve always loved me some Jan and Paul Crouch, I mean really, who doesn’t like a woman who will cry for Jesus, your soul, and donations? For sheer entertainment I’ve watched Kirk Cameron, Stephen Baldwin, Mr. T and Gary Busey preach to me. (Remind me sometime to tell you about when Gary bought me my first six-pack of Mickey’s Big Mouth.) Dave and I have played drinking games while watching the Brigham Young University TV. (Take a sip of your drink every time they say Joseph Smith.) I’m particularly fond of faith healers. I used to work for one – after he retired from the life. So it shouldn’t surprise you to know that if the faith based show has a catchy title, I’m bound to click on it and take a quick view. Which brings me to my point. Yes. I actually had one.

Last night Dave and I were channel surfing when we saw a paid program called “Body Gospel,” and you know we had to watch. And watch we did, in equal parts awe and horror. I love Gospel music. It’s beautiful, uplifting, and being in a room with a really good choir is a moving experience. I always tell Dave that I want a Gospel choir at my funeral despite the fact that I’m a heathen. So we’ve come into the infomercial part of the way through and we’re watching what looks like a traditional aerobics video set to Gospel music. Nothing too original here, except if you count the overweight Gospel singers in the background belting out spirituals. I’m not sure which end of the motivation scale they actually fall on. Then we get to the pitch part of the show, and the first testimonial we heard was “I can’t quit my diet because God won’t quit on me.” Yeah, I get that. Your body fat count is paramount in His daily work. Forget that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are on the outskirts of town, God needs to come between you and your family sized bag of Cheetos. Sheesh. Seriously. Besides, I thought God was supposed to love you unconditionally and you were made in his image, weren’t you? I’m laying odds that God has a universe size bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in his lap while he watches Bridalplasty. You so know he’s a sucker for reality TV.

Now I’m a professional dieter. I’ve tried all the diets, I’ve done damn near every workout known to man – except yoga, that shit makes me angry. I get that it’s about self-esteem and motivation. If this were an advert for workout at your local church truly aimed at getting you healthy I’d shout “More power to you! Hallelujah!” But this isn’t that. The program is made by Beachbody Fitness, the same company that makes the extreme workout programs PX90, Brazil Butt Lift, and Hip Hop Abs. They aren’t in the business of religion, they are in the business of selling workout videos and diet supplements. Oh wait. Maybe that’s the same thing.

Nevermind.