My Wish For 2011- A Twat Free New Year

Alas, we’ve reached the end of another year, and the end of the first decade of this millennium. We have so much to be proud of thus far, have we not? We’ve elected a black man as president; elevated a gun toting Stepford Wife to celebutante status; and gotten Lindsey Lohan into rehab, again. Oh, and don’t forget The Situation. Not totally sure how we’re all gonna top that in the coming decade, but I’m looking forward to seeing us try. Aren’t you?

At this time 100 years ago most homes did not have a private phone and many people had party lines – no not those phone numbers you call to talk to part-time Russian hookers for $9.95 a minute – but groups of up to 12 parties would share the same phone line and identified their calls based upon a specialized ring. Now you can read me, download porn, and call your grandmother in Kansas all at the same time on your cellphone. Women didn’t have the right to vote, let alone hold public office. Mrs. Palin would have probably have been committed to an asylum. Not that this would be a bad thing. The raves of the bygone era included piano sing-alongs, pantomimes, card games, recitations and vocal solos, and playing selections from the gramophone – not GHB, house music and strobe lights. We’ve come a long way baby.

They did, however, have Kellogg’s Corn Flakes, Jell-O and Crisco. The had lynch mobs and the Klan. We have Glenn Beck, Fox News, and the Klan. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

So, what are the trends of the early part of this century that will endure and what are those that will become the detritus of our era? I’m pretty sure we can still count on Crisco to be around well into the next millenia, I’ve had a can of it in my cupboard for at least a decade that I intend to have my nieces pass down through the generations like a coveted piece of china. They’ll do it if they want to stay in my will. We’ll probably still have musical Viagra adverts and reality television, both of which will be played out in our living rooms by holograms. Logan’s Run got that part right.

However, there are a few trends from this past decade that I’d like to see go the way of the Dodo bird. Sure I’d like to see the end of the reign of the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears ’cause they are so last decade. I’d like to see crop tops and bellybutton piercings go too. I’d be delighted to never hear anything more about vegan menu options and raw food diets. But more than this I would like everyone to stop trying to pretty up my twat.

About 20 years ago it started to become trendy to stick needles and stainless steel jewellery in a woman’s labia or clitoris. Yeah, I know this shit’s been around for ages, but before this it was largely a tribal activity, not something offered on every street corner with a free cubic zirconia studded ring while you got your tramp stamp tattooed on your backside. Now sure I’m all about the live and let live, but when you’re talking about aiming needles at my special places, you better have a board certification and a cure, not a forked tongue and “Poor Impulse Control” branded on your forehead.

In this last year or so we’ve seen a surge of new trends aimed at beautifying a woman’s nether region. Sure, women have been shaving or waxing their pubic hair into all kinds of fancy designs and dying it in fancy colours for years. But this was usually a one-off event for a porn film or a Valentine’s Day treat. Today the folks at Betty Beauty offer a spectrum of pubic hair dyes to help you match or complement the drapes and the carpet. You know, if your pubes are gray and need a blue rinse, well fair enough. But it doesn’t stop there. Oh. No.

Jennifer Love Hewitt introduced us to the magic of Vajazzling, where crystals are applied to a freshly shorn “Vajayjay.” (And for those who are too cheap or intimidated by crazy glue on their privates, apparently there’s Clitter!)

Are your labia looking tired, pale and neglected? Or does it looked overworked and slightly drab? Not to fear labia dye is here! The folks at My Pink Button have been kind enough to make labia dye available to the masses through Amazon.com. (They’ll sell anything.) The Maybelline Kissing Potion of our youth probably would accomplish the same thing and make it taste like candy. I’m just sayin’.

Now, I’m all about the hygiene. I mean who wants to be confronted with the knowledge that you special lady place isn’t clean. However I’ve always found that a little soap and water works wonders. Ivory Soap was good enough for Marilyn Chambers, so it’s good enough for me. In November my friend Bahar told me all about how Alexis Stewart, Martha’s progeny, has a quick and clean regimin for cleaning her privates that involves aiming her high powered showerhead at her anus. I figured fair enough. We’ve all had our special moments with our shower nozzle. But now it appears that this is not enough. According to the latest news, vaginal steaming is the way to go. Yeah, you read that right. Vaginal steaming. Seems that when you go in for your next spa day, in addition to your facial, you can sit yourself down on a stool over a pot of steaming herbal tea and rejuvenate and freshen up your twat. Gives a whole new meaning to a morning cup of English Breakfast tea. Let’s hope Lipton doesn’t come up with a new product line.

So, at this monumental juncture between the first decades of the new century I ask you, can we embrace our enduring old world traditions like croquet, vegetable lard, and children being seen and not heard ? Can we all agree that tea parties are for society ladies in formal dress and not political? Can we all resolve that dressing your vagina up like a Vegas showgirl is passée? Please join me by adding one special resolution to your list this year and resolve to keep your mind out from between my legs.

Wishing you the best in the New Year and the coming decade. Or something.