Sex, Guns, and Hello Kitty (NSFW)

The beauty of the internet is that whole worlds can open before you with a single click of a mouse. Even for veterans like myself, there’s always the chance to find a new avenue to turn down, a new site to peruse, and a new thing to confound me. Take last Sunday for example. Here I was reading up on “JeansPants” which are apparently all the rage in men’s underwear in Japan, and debating whether or not I could con Dave into wearing them with a wife beater while he waters the front lawn on the weekends. He’ll do almost anything to get us on an episode of cops. When all of a sudden my eye was drawn to an advert in the corner of the site which offered “erotic adult goods from Japan.” You so know I clicked.

Now y’all know I’m no prude. I like sex and don’t mind talking about it with you or anyone else who will listen to me. I’m all good with sex toys too. What modern girl hasn’t burned out the motor of a pocket rocket or two? I’ve surfed plenty of sex toy websites in my day, even been to a handful of adult conventions like Erotica LA. But let me tell ya what… ya learn somethin’ new every damn day. First I learned a couple of new words to share with you. Expanding your vocabulary is all part of the service here Chez Surly.

Onahole – noun: A Japanese male masturbation silicon vagina
Onacup -noun: A Japanese male sex toy incorporating ergonomically and anatomically-correct designs for precise sensual stimulation to the manhood and to achieve the ultimate male masturbation pleasure and an intense orgasms for the men

Apparently masturbation is a national pastime in Japan – more popular than the ancient art of origami or pachinko. While most American men are perfectly happy with a bottle of hand lotion and a box of tissues, Japanese men appear to prefer gadgets. Tenga, the inventor of the handy (ha! get it?) onacup, has sold in excess of 2 million units (ha! get it?) since their inception. Onacups, which were originally single use items – like whack-off Dixie cups – come not only in a variety of styles including : Deep Throat, Rolling Head, and Double Hole; but they also have accessories! You can get warmers so you willy doesn’t get chilly, lotions to lube it up, and now they have a re-usable one called The Flip! If you’re looking for a little something for your 401K portfolio, you might wanna put a few pennies in this baby.

Next on my tour was a brief stop in the Love Doll section. While there was nothing terribly new here, a lot of blow-up dolls with Asian styling – which is a nice break from the usual bleached blonde with mouth agape Christina Aguilera style ones men in the States tend to prefer. They had a selection of “Real Doll” style models including a pair who like a little girl on girl action. Sadly, at $8,000 per, those are kind of out of my budget for Dave’s birthday present. Poor bastard is going to have to sleep with me for another year.

This lead me into the realm of onaholes. Such a great word, isn’t it? Rolls right off the tongue. Say it with me. “Onahole, onahole, onahole!” These come in a variety of styles including a kind of Boxing Helena style severed torso. They have the obligatory models designed or molded on the hoo-has of porn stars. RinaAina, whom I’m guessing is Japan’s answer to Jenna James, has a model that boasts “Inside of hole is lined with countless nubs and curves.” Maybe it’s just me, but from the photo, it looks like you’re getting the simulated herpetic sex option.

However, of all the onaholes I reviewed on my shopping trip, the one that gets the bonus prize is Virgin Meiki Aoi Chihiro, which comes with a simulated hymen and red blood lubricating lotion, so that everytime can be her first time. Yeah, even old Surly had to ask WTF?

After perusing the selection of Super Fresh Used Panties, I started to wonder if there were any fun Japanese sex toys out there for women. Why should the men have all the fun.

Knowing that Japanese women tend to favour cutesy items, naturally, got me thinking of Hello Kitty. Well sure enough, they make Hello Kitty pocket rockets (great idea for stocking stuffers!) and condoms too. Hello Kitty is such a forward thinking girl. Apparently she’s got a passion for guns and drugs too.

Just another Sunday shopping online Chez Surly. What did you do?