Does Kim Kardashian’s Ass Make Me Look Fat?

Okay. So really. I just don’t get it. I don’t get this whole Kardashian thing. I really don’t. I’ve tried to watch their shows, but for the life of me I can’t find a single redeeming thing about them. They are forever bickering, whinging, or talking absolute drivel. That is when they aren’t rolling around fighting each other or teaching each other banal object lessons.

For years now we’ve had to suffer through the incessant press about one or more of these sisters whose talent or reason for celebrity has yet to manifest. The way they are over marketed I feel like we’re watching the human equivalent of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. What was Ryan Seacrest thinking? And why, on earth, do people keep coming back for more? Why are these women on the cover of every tabloid at the supermarket? What I would give for a good “Where are they now?” piece on Lorena Bobbit.

The thing I truly do not get is the fascination with Kim’s ass. I mean seriously? Is it just me? It’s an ass. It’s big, which I’m not totally convinced is a good thing. Granted, the world has always been fascinated by celebrity body parts. Elizabeth Taylor’s eyes, Tina Turner’s legs, and Dolly Parton’s bust to name a few. Hell there are rumours that Tom Jones’ chest hair has been insured for $7 million. Um. Yeah. Right. But Kim’s ass? Come on. At least Tina’s legs can dance and Tom’s chest hair can make panties drop. What does Kim’s ass actually do?

What freaks me out more than the fact that there are thousands of hits on the web when you Google “Kim Kardashian’s Ass“, is that there are actually products that can help you have her ass if you weren’t born with it. Um. Yeah. You heard me correctly. This is where I come to a screeching halt in my personal quest for lingerie a step-up from the bargain bin at Target. What in God’s name is the point of this? Girdle to suck your fat in so you can button your pants, I kinda get. Underwire to boost your breasts away from your bellybutton and help alleviate the sweat stains under your tits, I get. But padding your ass with silicone to make it possible for someone to rest a drink on your ass at a bar? That one eludes me entirely.

This just looks like you’re cutting off circulation. Image ©Siliconebody.com

It’s not just that I don’t get wanting a big ass, ’cause I freely admit that I do not get how that is sexy. It’s not just that these contraptions come in plus sizes, ’cause if your ass isn’t big enough when you’re rocking a size 24 we need to talk about your priorities and your health plan. If you’re a drag queen, I get it. You need to reshape and remould all kinds of parts to pass yourself off as a hot chick. But for the woman who just clicked the BUY NOW button on a 3 pack of butt pads, and paid overnight shipping so she could have them for this weekend’s night out at the honky tonk cruising for boys, what are you thinking? What about the poor bastard you pick up who has a Sir Mix-A-Lot like fetish for big butts that will be crushed when he finally sees you naked only to find out your ass is as flat as Kansas. Think about him for a second. You totally lured him in under false pretenses. He thought he was gonna get a round of slap and tickle with some flesh to spank only to watch the chick he picked up at the bar dissolve before his very eyes like The Wicked Witch of the West. I’m pretty sure this has a lot to do with why you’re single and that this is what drives good men to the Craig’s List Casual Encounters adverts.

Yeah. I know. You’re all wondering “What is up with you Surly? You’re just all kinds of judgmental lately. Picking on people with Flat Ass Syndrome and dissin’ the beauty that silicone and spandex can bring to your world.” Sorry. I can’t help myself. It’s humid out, my tits are saggy and sweaty, my box of wine is empty, and everything on TV is a re-run tonight. Oh. And there’s the whole “I don’t really care” thing too. So there’s that.