The Episode In Which Bank of America Encourages Me To Kill Myself

Y’all know I’m not a vain woman. Lord, vanity got kicked to the kerb about the same time my eyebrows fell out. You can’t think you’re all that when you don’t have an eyebrow to raise in disdain at lesser mortals. Not that I don’t think I’m better than you ’cause let’s face it, I am.

As a rule, I don’t pose for photos. I make a rare few exceptions, like my wedding, but other than that, you point your camera in my general direction and you’ll find me giving you the finger. Don’t even try to take it, I have a preternatural ability to sense you trying and will flip you off before your autofocus has kicked in. More than one easily offended kind Christian person has found this out the hard way. Surly’s School of Hard Knocks had an adult education program. Enrollment is free. It’s not like the paparazzi are chasing me to get a snap, but most people have now given up trying to take my photo. This is just back story so you understand that this post took a monumental effort on my part to do.

A few weeks back I was watching one of those annoying morning news shows made less annoying by the distinct absence of Anne Curry, when they started talking about a product Bank of America was pushing called “Face Retirement.” The premise seemed plausible. They want you to realize people are living longer and should be saving for their retirement now instead of waiting until the last possible moment or hoping there will still be Social Security. Sage advice. I should follow it. I am in no way prepared for retirement. We live paycheck to paycheck and have enough in savings to buy an nice last meal when I decide to put our murder-suicide pact into effect. Yeah. It’s true. I’m taking Dave with me when I go, but we’re having a fucking awesome steak dinner first.

My desire to do myself in rather than wait for nature to take it’s course isn’t new. I have a long list of reasons why I will choose not to go on. In as much as I am not vain, I’m not brave either. This plan was only bolstered by playing with the Face Retirement program. Instead of making me want to start saving now and live forever, they made me want to join the Hemlock Society and take up every bad habit I’ve ever quit in favor of a healthy lifestyle. Unsafe sex, hardcore drugs, and unfiltered cigarettes here I come!

According to the fine folks at Bank of America, this is what I have to look forward to at

Age 67

Age 77

Age 97

Age 107 – As Fucking If

So, it looks like I’ve got less than 20 years before I’m forced to face facts and pull the plug. I’m good with that. It’s actually longer than I had originally given myself to really let myself go. I’m going to start every day from here on our with a shot of Wild Turkey and a Marlboro ’cause apparently I’ve got fuck all to lose.

Are you with me?