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Straight Girl's Guide on How to Plan a Lesbian Wedding

June 13, 2009

So my little sister Terese is finally taking the plunge.  A few weeks back she proposed, giving her girlfriend Elizabeth my grandmother’s engagement ring. Now mind you, she generously gave me the diamond from the ring when I got married and it sounds like my mother replaced the stone with a sapphire stuck back in the setting with what appears to be Elmer’s glue so that it promptly fell out – but we’ll not call that an omen.  We’ll call that my mother being cheap and practical.

Anyway, I am the quintessential party planner.  In my family I organize all the family holiday dinners and have catered several of the weddings and funerals in the last decade. I like to plan, make lists, download recipes, rent tables, linens and port-a-potties, as well as shop for clever invitations and party gifts. Heck my husband had barely even brought up the subject of marriage and I had a notebook started full of all the details and plans – envision Day of the Dead meets Where They Bury The Bodies in the Vegas Desert. I make David Tutera look like a amateur.

So, despite the fact that I have not  been asked to start planning their nuptials… I’ve decided to come up with a Lesbian Friendly Wedding Plan to present to  Terese and Elizabeth.  Here’s what I’m thinking:

Theme: Rainbows! They are pretty, feminine, and I think they will subtly get across the point that we’re having an a lesbian wedding without having to get in everyone’s face about it.

Venue: So we have two options here.  First there’s the obvious destination wedding choice… Greece!  The Isle of Lesbos to be precise.


It’s in keeping with our theme and a tropical paradise.  Not to mention that there are a ton of hot guys for us straight girls (and my uncle) to stalk during our visit.

If they aren’t thinking about a destination wedding, then my next suggestion is the community center at my mother’s trailer park in Malibu. There’s an ocean view (sorta) and it has great rafters to hang crepe paper streamers from (rainbow, of course).  There’s also a good chance Pamela Anderson will wander by since her brother and boyfriend both live there and it’s always good to have a celebrity or two in your wedding photos.

Bridesmaids Dresses: Now this is always a hard call.  My sister, Terese, has been a bridesmaid nearly as many times as the character in 27 Dresses, and I assume she will weigh in heavily on this subject.  Not to mention that since I come from a predominantly female family (roughly a 7:1 female to male ratio in any given generation), there’s going to be a cat fight over the position of Matron/Maid of Honor on our side.  To spare everyone’s feelings, I’m going to suggest that Kyle, my sister’s best friend and the closest thing to a brother we’ve got, get to wear that tiara.  And while he is a good looking man, he just doesn’t have the bust to pull off a sweetheart neckline. So, in keeping with our theme here’s the bow-tie I suggest he wear with his tux.


For the rest of us, I’m thinking chic and timeless bridesmaids dresses in varying shades.  (Again with the subtle reference to our rainbow theme). I’m kinda diggin’ the hoop skirts and hats… but I know not everyone has the shoulders to balance it all out and carry the look off.  But again, we’re just spitballin’ here.


Mother of the Bride’s Dress: If you’ve met my mother, well, this will be an obvious choice, if not, well now you have an idea.


 Cake: Well, as you all have recently learned, I’ve been taking cake decorating lessons down at the old occupational center, and I’m getting pretty handy with the buttercream. So clearly, I’ll be throwing my hat in the ring to bid for making the cake.  Now, I’m open to suggestions, but I thought this little cake really kept with our theme and looks classy too!

Rainbow Cake

Now there are a lot of cake toppers to choose from but I’m thinkin’ something sweet and simple.


 (Is it just me or does it look like the one bride is looking under the other’s skirt?)

Like I said, I’m just throwing out ideas here and there are lots of other bits and pieces I’ve left out. Did I mention personalized M&Ms in rainbow colors as party favors?  Rainbow napkins for the cocktail hour?


I mean, once you’ve got a great idea, it just starts snowballing from there. Again, this is just a rough draft of my proposal… but you get the idea.

Oh, and yeah, I almost forgot!  The bachelorette party!

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