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Begrudge Me A Good Grudge?

July 28, 2011

Yeah, I know, you all think I’m all kinds of sweetness and light. I get it. I see where you would think that. Fact of the matter is, well, I’m kinda not. At least not all the time. A lot of the time I’m smiling all nice and kind at you, I’m thinking mean, judgemental, and unkind thoughts about you. And, the thing of it is, well, you brought it upon yourself. No. Really. You did. You see, you were foolish enough to cross paths with someone who likes to hold a grudge.

Holding a grudge is an art form. No. Really. It is. It takes years of practice to really be able to hold a good solid grudge. You can’t be wishy washy on this at all. The minute you let a little forgiveness in on a nicely formed grudge, well next thing you know you’ve screwed yourself out of a good thing. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you right now with your “Aww…. Surly, you just need to ‘Let Go and Let God.'” God has his own grudges, trust me. What the fuck do you think The Tea Party is? It’s God’s great grudge fuck on the American people.

I’ve got grudges I’ve been holding for decades. Like the one I have against my childhood friend Betsy for forming The Rainbow Club and not letting me be a member. That’s an old favourite. While it has had no lasting effect on my friendship with Betsy over the last 40 years, it’s still a nice little grudge to carry in my back pocket and bring out and polish from time to time. It has the added sheen of revenge attached to it because I got Betsy in trouble with her mom by telling my mom about it, and the club had to be disbanded. Yeah, I’m smiling just thinking about that little baby.

You can hold grudges against anybody, trust me. Like I developed a nice little grudge against the pretty little girl in my spin class tonight, who kept turning around to check out her ass in the mirror all class. I was spinning away looking at her full head of glossy hair, complete eyebrows, and blow-up doll lips thinking that she’s probably a year away of accomplishing her life’s goal of being a trophy wife, and forming a nice little grudge that I will use to get me through each and every spin class with her. It will be my power source.

I’ve still got a whole host of grudges I’m holding against my dead sister, Parrish. Oh yeah, you can totally hold grudges against the dead. Of course it starts with the obvious grudge held by an eldest child when the new child comes along. That comes standard with every sibling. Then there’s the grudge I hold because she broke my arm when we were kids, for which I got her back in spades. There’s another over the white dress of mine she stole out of my closet and tie-dyed. Lord, she earned herself a whole wardrobe full of clothing related grudges in her 38 years. Oh, and the one where she got to go to the prom with my junior high school sweetheart, Jim, and I never got to go to any prom. Cue the violins. The bummer about holding grudges against the dead is that you have no future opportunities to burn them for it.

There are the grudges I hold against all the guys I had lousy sex with in my life. Like my ex who wasted 7 years of my life with his nonsensical issues about going down on a woman. There are days when I want those years, and those missed orgasms back. There are all the guys I had to fake orgasms with because they were too inept to pull it off themselves, but needed to believe they were doing something other than boring the shit out of me. Or there are the boys I lusted after who never gave me a second thought, or just wanted to be friends with me and date my girlfriends instead. Oh, and there’s Jerry from 9th grade who made fun of the hair on my upper lip. Yeah, that bastard’s on the Top 100 All-Time Grudge list.

Yeah, so this is what sustains me. It’s what fuels my engine. It’s why I frequently look at you funny. It’s just the way it is, ’cause, well after all, I am Surly.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 28, 2011 11:03 am

    I knew there was a reason I loved you. I am veteran grudge holder as well….I’m glad to hear I am not the ony one and if I hear Ryan say one more time, “Just let it go, be happy-Bahar as opposed to angry-bahar….” I’m gonna hold a grudge against him as well…Who am I kidding, that guy is on my shit list anyway…

  2. Chris Brown (not the felon) permalink
    August 3, 2011 3:01 pm

    Grudges are one of the most highly underrated abilities that separate humans from other species. That and opposable thumbs. So if you poke your grudgee in the eye with your thumb you are distancing yourself from, say, chimpanzees by such a huge margin that they’ll be lucky if they ever find you. Anywhere in the universe, let alone on earth.

    Now that’s power.

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