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Bestiality Or Just Good Parenting?

August 18, 2011

“So, I have something to tell you about something that happened with Gus.”

Okay. So let me just start off by putting a little warning label on this post. Don’t Google the term “bestiality”. You won’t like the results if you do. (That being said, there will be no NSFW images in this post, so settle the fuck down.)

Since I’m a giver, I’ve gone to the trouble of doing a little research on the subject. You know. For your edification. Frankly, I don’t get it. Really don’t. I love my dogs, more than I do my husband, but not in THAT way. That’s just wrong and creepy. Let’s be clear. But, apparently there are people who feel quite differently on the subject of sex with animals. Years ago when I was working on my Masters thesis, which dealt in part with pornography and erotica, I read a case study about the sex industry in Asia where women will produce snakes out of their hoo-has in bars for tips. Yeah. Go ahead, soak that visual in and then shiver in disgust. We’ll wait. Then there’s always the quintessential “Donkey Show” story from any guy who has spent a night in Tijuana drunk on cheap tequila. Heck, I just finished re-reading The Cider House Rules in which John Irving repeatedly discusses a vintage porn picture of a woman with a pony’s penis in her mouth. It is some how part of our archetypical knowledge and experience, but I don’t know about y’all, but none of these ideas are giving me anything but the willies.

A couple of weeks ago a friend sent me a link to a news article about the trial of a man in Ireland being accused of buggery when a woman died after having sex with his Alsatian. Yeah, we’ll all pause for a rousing group chorus of “What the fuck?!” Apparently you can be allergic to canine sperm as well as dander. Word to the wise – Benadryl is not birth control. The world’s as crazy a place as ever.

So you’re asking yourself, Surly if you’re so creeped out by the subject, what’s up with your title? We’ll get to that… trust me.

“You know how he’s always incessantly humping his pillow?”

Now y’all know I’ve got some undignified dogs. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I introduced many of you to them back in the day with a post called “Bruno Stop Blowing Your Brother!” which chronicled a smattering of the inappropriate human-beast conversations in our home, largely because someone is licking someone else’s privates or engaged in humping.

Depends upon which source you look at there’s a myriad of reasons that dogs go around humping each other, people, or inanimate objects. In some cases you can put it down to just good old fashioned sexual attraction. In others you can put it down to asserting dominance or the canine version of playing Twister. In my home you will frequently see Olive, the puppy, try to hump Jack who abruptly sits down and looks bored with the whole game. Other times Sally and Olive will both try air-humping Jack, usually sideways, which makes no sense to anyone. Jack will still be looking bored. Other times we’ll get some hardcore labretard porn with Olive and Jack going down on Sally like a scene in a cheap cable porn film. Usually this is while we’re eating dinner. I think pizza maybe an aphrodisiac for dogs. Our old dog Bruno regularly got an erection when I opened the refrigerator.

Now watching dogs hump each other, or the look on your mother-in-law’s face when your dog starts humping her, can frequently be amusing. Heck there’s a guy who has a whole YouTube channel dedicated to animals humping and mating. Not casting aspersions here, but dude, there are other things you could be doing with your free time and your iPhone. Although, odds are you’d have some creepy women’s bathroom YouTube station if you started dating women. So maybe you should just stay as you are.

“Well, um, a few weeks ago…”

However, in some cases, like the case of my friend Alice’s bulldog Gus, it can be exhausting and a little sad. See Gus has Obsessive Compulsive Pillow Humping Disorder (OCPHD for your acronym junkies). Gus can spend hours on end humping his pillow. According to Alice he makes quite a production of the act. He’s got a pillow that he prefers, and will spend quite a lot of time trying to bunch it up before him to get it into a firm position, and then he will commence humping it incessantly. Like a teenager with a copy of Playboy and a jar of Vaseline, he will hump and hump for hours on end. At 2 years old, Gus is essentially a 14 year old boy, with all the same hangups about sex. Only in Gus’ case, he’s not been able to get any satisfaction from all his masturbation. That is, until recently.

One night a few weeks ago Alice reached her breaking point. Gus has been humping his pillow in the living room for about 2 hours straight when Alice got up and went and squatted behind him and held his little pillow in a firm position so he could have a little “leverage” to help him get the job done. And you know what? It worked. Gus finally, after about a year of trying, got his rocks off. Mind you, his penis hanging out after his little orgasm apparently scared the crap out of him as it was dragging on the ground and he kept sitting trying to bat it away, not realizing it was his. Gus, finally got a little satisfaction in the end, with a little help from his mom.
“My husband said I should probably just keep this story to myself. You won’t tell anyone will you?”

“Oh my God! Dave! Alice jacked off the dog!”

Hallmark moment or what?

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