I’m A Bigot

Yup. Yes sirree. I’ve got to own it. I’m a bigot. Sure, I can bet that because I own an antique Aunt Jemima cookie jar you’re assuming I’m prejudiced against people of other races. Boy you sure are a narrow minded bunch of people, aren’t you? Don’t make me remind you that some of my best friends are “fill in the blank.”

No. I can honestly say I don’t much care what colour you are, what country you’re from, or what gender you had sex with last. Nah, that’s not the kind of stuff I bother with. I mean really, who am I to judge skin colour when I’ve spent my entire life basking in the sun trying to permanently darken the pigment of my skin? Who am I to judge you for being geographically challenged? Odds are I’ve applied for a visa to move to your country in the last 20 years. You had sex recently? Was it good? Did you get off? Well, hell, lemme buy you a drink! Let’s be clear. These are not my concerns, cares, or woes. Not. At. All.

No, my bigotry runs way deeper than your common run of the mill racism or xenophobia or homophobia. Way deeper. What I hate, and hate beyond all reason, is stupid. Plain old stupid. I’ll admit it. Yes I will. “Hello, my name is Surly, and I’m a moronist.”

That’s right, you heard me, I’m a moronist. I hate morons. Not Mormons, although I have a good number of concerns about them, and some day we can talk about that. But, right now, I’m talking about morons: m-o-r-o-n-s. Hate ’em. Just can’t take them. And this is a deep seated hatred going back decades.

Now I’m not talking about the kind of stupid you just can’t help. No, not at all. Some times stupid can be endearing, almost charming. I’ve dated men for the simple fact that they are pretty and not all that bright. I’m also not talking about being intellectually challenged in some capacity. I don’t hate on the less fortunate. So stop being such an accusatory asshole. I’m talking about “You should know better, but don’t, ’cause you choose not to straightout-down-home-dumb-ass-moronic behaviour.” This is where my hate lies.

Like for example, back in 1984. Yeah, my hatred goes that far back. Back in the day I was working at Walt Disney World – a mecca for morons – and in the shop I worked in we had this storage closet where we would write in Sharpie on the wall all the moronic phrases that people would utter. Classics I recall to this day include: “Where do you get the rat ear hats?” and “What time is the Three O’clock Parade?” Really? Did you just ask that? Seriously? Pause. Rewind. Repeat. Yeah. You did.

The world has not vastly improved in the nearly 30 years since my indentured servitude at the Kingdom. All one needs do is look at world politics. Have you seen the country I come from? Rick Perry anyone? Snookie? Paula Abdul? Need I say more? Christ All Mighty, you don’t need to have a decent grasp of American history to make a run for office or to be taken seriously by the masses. All you need for verification is to take one look at the Tea Party hopefuls for 2012.

But it’s not just politics, which has always been a haven for the under educated. No. Why would we all wait patiently each year for the list of Darwin Award winners if we weren’t all secret moronists? We crave the next instalment of “Who Was Stupid Enough To Do “X”?” It’s why news outlets like TMZ and The Star thrive. It explains the success of The Jersey Shore. We like visiting the zoo. We liked to see morons in captivity. We feel safer, and superior, when we know where to find these people. If we could make them all wear scarlet “M”s to identify them as separate and distinct from the regular folk, we totally would. Damn do-gooders are always getting in our way with their “Love thy fellow man” shit. Fine then, you love them. You take responsibility for them, and let the rest of us live in moron-free peace. I’ll donate to your cause if you promise to keep them in captivity. Like monkeys in the zoo or John Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

Ah… don’t we all feel better for having taken the time to review that little trip down memory lane? I know I do. People just don’t give Glynnis O’Connor enough credit. Anyone remember the movie where she played the woman whose mouth was put back together with vaginal tissue? Okay… I’m digressing… sorry about that.

Back to hating on morons. Safer territory. Yeah. So, shoot me. I’m a bigot. I hate the idiot in front of me in traffic who, despite no access to the nuclear football or the fate of the free world, has stopped in the middle of the traffic lane to respond to a text so crucial to our survival that we all must wait for her to hit “SEND”. I also hate the person at Ralph’s who can’t read the sign that clearly states, in several languages “EXPRESSS LINE 15 ITEMS OR LESS.”

I hate them. Each and every one of them. They are stupid. They are annoying. They are morons. And I’m proud to admit it. Join me. Trust me. There’s no shame in admitting you’re a moronist. Not one single bit. No.

Stand proud. Be counted. Like me.