Feeling Peevish

Sorry, I know I’ve been a bit remiss about keeping you up-to-date and generally providing you with my brilliant insights. I have a life you know, and I’m terribly sorry you don’t. We should probably work on that. Email me. We’ll make a plan and hopefully spare the world from having to listen to your tales of woe.

Speaking of tales of woe, I know we’re all heartbroken about Kim Kardashian’s divorce. Dave and I were really looking to them a beacons of hope and role models in our marriage, but alas we’re shit out of luck there. And to think she had found a grown ass man who spells his name with a K. How could that not last?

In the realm of things that should not last, Gloria Allred has her own TV show now. She’s dolled up in judicial robes and doling out justice. Well sure, playing a cheap imitation of Judge Wapner was the next obvious choice in the quest to be the Queen of Legal Television Whoredom. It’s currently neck and neck between her and Nancy Grace. I believe the final phase of the competition involves mud wrestling. If it’s on Pay-Per-View we’ll show it on the big screen in the backyard with an open bar. Keep an eye out for my e-vite.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my pet peeves lately. Being a surly bitch, odds are I have a few more than you do. Or at least a few more than you’re willing to admit to publicly because you’re still too concerned about what people think of you. They don’t think much, so pop a Percoset and move on. Take a look at my little mental list for this week and tell me you’re not putting a tick mark next to damn near every one.

1. “What gives?” – This is not a proper or polite way to ask “Can you please explain this to me?”. If you say “What gives?” my first instinct is to say “Fuck you. That’s what gives.” “Please advise” is another phrase I don’t enjoy hearing. Actually anything that is a two word sentence starting with “Please…” is basically being rude and if you graduated from the 3rd grade you should be able to construct a better sentence.

2. “I’m going to sue…” Really? I love that people think this is a legitimate threat for every little transgression real or imagined. Our court system is already bogged down with frivolous suits. You really wanna hire a lawyer you can ill-afford and take my ass to court because I told you to shut up and leave me alone or gave your kid the stink eye in the market or thought “God you’re a lazy ass bitch” outloud? Oh. Wait. Maybe if you wanna get us on Gloria’s show I might be willing to go toe-to-toe with your crazy ass.

3. The fat woman in the super-sized eco-terror SUV who is camped out by the parking space next to the entrance of Target on her cell phone and is willing to wait 20 minutes for someone to come out of the store so she can take their parking space rather than waddle her fat ass 100 yards. This is why you’re fat and your husband is hitting the local Rub-n-Tug joint 3 days a week.

4. Women who inject their faces full of all kinds of chemicals until they are disfigured. How in God’s name can you look at yourself in the mirror each morning and think “Yeah, that was so worth the pain and money. Oooooh… I need a refill ’cause I’m starting to look human.”

5. People who type in ALL CAPS. It does not make it easier to read, and frankly, after the first sentence I stop. This also goes for people who can not use proper capitalization. Sentences start with capital letters, so do proper nouns, and the personal pronoun I. Please also note that excessive use of auto-correct makes you look like a moron. Check your texts, IMs, and emails once before you send them. Twice if you’re related to me.

6. People who click those dumb ass links/videos on Facebook and in their emails that get their accounts hacked. Really? It’s 2011. If you don’t know better by now you need to get off the internet and go back to getting your porn at the adult bookstore.

7. Parents who wander through the market, Target, or Walmart oblivious to their screaming child who is pulling shit off the shelves and making that noise that makes Surly’s brain bleed. You wanted the kid- you pay attention to it or put it on a leash and get it a shock collar if you can’t get it to behave. Better yet, stay at home and shop online. Yeah, I know, I bitch about that a lot. You would think you’d learn.

8. People who talk while they are on the toilet – either on the phone or between the stalls in a public restroom. Really? There’s nothing you have to say that is so important I need to hear it while you’re taking a shit. This also goes for people, like my mother and sister, who leave the damn door open. Going to the bathroom is not a group activity.

9.People who speak out loud in acronyms. The phrase is “Oh my God!” not “OMG!”. If you’re really laughing out loud, I should be able to hear you. It’s not cute or clever. Half the time it’s annoying in a text. There’s nothing more tedious than receiving a message from a grown adult that reads like a crystalmethagram from a 16 year old. You’re a big person, use your words.

10. Ann Curry. I dunno what it is about her, but she sure does get on my last nerve.

So that’s where I am today. I’d really love to care what’s new with you, but I don’t and we both know you don’t want me to pretend.