Taking Florida Off The Map

You don’t need to read Carl Hiassen or Tim Dorsey to know, for sure, that Florida is one fucked up place. Hanging chads? George Zimmerman? Real Housewives of Miami? Dildo thieves?

But that’s all just anecdotal evidence of reasons why we should turn Florida to dust. Sure, not all Floridians are psychotic. Some of ’em are just old folks draining the Social Security coffers instead of taking off to live with the aliens. But my real problem with Florida doesn’t lie with its human population. No. It’s their fucking reptile population that clinches for me the notion that the only thing we can do with Florida is nuke the fucker.

Do you see that thing? Look at the size of that motherfucker. And he’s not a lone wolf. There are now upwards of 150,000 of these things slithering through Florida courtesy of the 80’s obsession with exotic pets. Apparently Spandex and cocaine weren’t enough diversions for the residents of Miami. They needed creepy reptiles too. Crockett and Tubbs would have been better suited fighting snake smugglers than Colombian drug lords.

still from Snake in Toilet via chris winters youtube

When I moved to Orlando in the mid 80s there was a story on the news the first night I arrived about a snake coming up through the plumbing at a local residence. During the entire 7 months I lived there I did not once sit on the toilet seat for fear that something was going to slither up and bite my twat. There just isn’t enough vodka and Xanax on the planet for me to cope with something like that.

So, my plan is simple. Before Florida unleashes Jeb Bush on us and before these creepy crawlies reach the Northern borders of the state… before there’s SNAKENADO! let’s just dust the place and call it a day.

Keep an eye out on Facebook for my upcoming Nuke Florida petition. It’s gonna go viral. Like herpes.