Feed Me, Seymour!

So, you know, as I always say, I’m all about the live and let live. Judge not lest ye be judged, and all that shit. You know, unless you’re just begging for me to weigh in and judge you. Which, apparently, some of you are. Just when I thought I was gonna get a little time off too.

As we’ve established over the years, I’m usually on top of all the trends. In the know, as it were, on all the latest and greatest. It’s usually pretty hard for you all to slip one by me, but I’ll admit that this time, you blindsided me. Maybe it’s all this Ironman training I’ve been doing. I’ll admit, I’m tired and a little distracted. But still.

Last night I was laying in bed (never mind what I was wearing) and channel surfing when I landed on TLC‘s show Strange Sex. I like strange. I like sex. Seemed like a good call. I thought maybe I would be in for a little “Bronie” or foot fetish discussion. You know, strange, but in a colourful fun and yet expected way.

My Little Bronie

But alas, no. Instead I got something I had never heard of before. I know, shocking. It’s called Feederism. Basically it’s getting off by feeding another person. Now sure, I can hear you sayin’ “Well Surly, what’s wrong with that? I like to feed my man strawberries and whipped cream in bed. A little chocolate in the right place and, well you know…” Yeah, yeah. That’s not what we’re talking about. That’s fuckin’ amateur hour and as unusual as getting caught by your mother whacking off when you’re 13. No, this is on a whole other level. And fuck me, it ain’t sexy AT FUCKING ALL.

Basically this couple’s relationship consists of him feeding her copious quantities of food and then fondling her fat. Sure, nothing too weird there. I mean heck. Dave fondles my fat all the time. (Poor bastard doesn’t have any other choice if he wants to get any.) And more power to this guy for liking big women. Not a problem. Fat chicks deserve love and sex too. However, this couple goes, in the words of Madness, one step beyond. The goal for their relationship is that they want for her to become so fat, approx. 1000 lbs, that she is incapacitated and needs him to care for her completely. Sure, we’d all like to be waited on hand and foot. I’ve been trying to get Dave to do that for years. But tell me where the sexy is in having your partner clean the mold from between your rolls of fat? Come on, tell me where it is!

Like I said, I’m good with you getting your kink on. But can you do me a favour and leave the Big Mac’s out of it? I don’t like to think of what you might be doing with the fries.

PS. You owe me a huge thank you for not posting videos from YouTube of people being fed and having their fat fondled. You’d never eat ice cream again.