Are You Ashamed of Your Anus?

There comes a time in every relationship when you have to have THE TALK. That happened for Dave and I last night. There’s been something bubbling under the surface and I just needed to confront him about it. So I asked him point blank. “Have you looked at my anus lately? Do you feel like it’s the wrong colour? Are you ashamed that it’s not pink enough?” He gave me that look. You know the one. The one that says “My imaginary 22 year old mistress doesn’t ask me these kinds of things.” What he said was “You need to get off the internet.” And promptly went back to watching John Stewart. The poor bastard wants a way out but knows he’s trapped.

Ah. The utter shame and humiliation. It was hard enough to live with rosacea flareups and missing eyebrows. Those I can cover up. I put on makeup and have bangs. If you don’t look too closely you might confuse me with a 40 something whose body hasn’t turned on her. But a brown anus? That you can’t hide. Even if you’re not looking directly at my anus, you’ll suspect my secret shame.

Yet there is hope on the horizon. A cure. Apparently you can slap some Clorox^* on your anus every night for a month and it will bleach away your shame. Afraid that like a bad home perm you’ll screw it up? Not to worry, you can go to the spa and request that they do it for you. That’s right. After you’ve asked the esthetician to wax your twat to resemble a 9 year old girl, just ask her spread your cheeks and bleach that brown right out of your ass. Sure. You might get burned. But what’s a few weeks of anal lesions in the pursuit of the perfect pink sphincter?

^*If you’re enough of a fucktard to try this at my suggestion you’ll get exactly what you deserve.